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This is Andrew Wiles and his extravagant creative piles.
In 1637, the notes of mathematician Pierre de Fermat stated that he had a proof for his theorem that couldn’t fit within the page margins. His words translated from Latin: “I have discovered a truly remarkable proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain”.
Called Fermat’s Last Theorem, it collectively stumped mathematicians for 358 years. Andrew Wiles’ childhood dream was to solve Fermat’s Last Theorem. In his words,
The first seven years that I worked on this problem I enjoyed the private combat. No matter how hard it had been, no matter how insurmountable things seemed, I was engaged in my favourite problem. It was my childhood passion, I just couldn’t put it down, I didn’t want to leave it for a moment.
No one knew about this secret obsession besides his wife. Instead of publishing a major piece of research, he published it in parts every six months to appear productive while he worked away at his dream. Here’s Simon Singh writing about Wiles in the book Fermat's Last Theorem:
From the moment he embarked on the proof, Wiles made the remarkable decision to work in complete isolation and secrecy… It was as if he was imitating the approach of Fermat himself, the most famous of mathematical hermits.
In September of 1994, Wiles found his answer. This three minute video of him describing the moment is one of my favorite videos on the internet.
This is important: he points out at the chalkboard that he went back to the original structure (the Kolyvagin–Flach method) to find an answer as to why it didn’t work and set his mind to rest. He discovered that his approach from three years earlier explained why the Kolyvagin–Flach method didn’t work and, at the same time, gave him missing information as to why his earlier theory didn’t work—“out of the ashes seemed to rise the true answer to the problem”. The proof was, in his words: so indescribably beautiful, it was so simple and so elegant.
Each part was critical but incomplete without the other. When put together, Prof. Wiles was able to finally solve the 358 year old proof.
His earlier failure literally held the precise information necessary for his revelation.
Please let that sink in.
Part of a poem by Antonio Machado:
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
Hitting another failed attempt at what you most care about, and believing you’re a failure, is brutal beyond words. It’s a very lonely, all-encompassing devastation.
I caught myself off guard the other day by spontaneously writing in my journal: I am willing to fail abundantly.
How tempting it is to want to change, or solve for, the things about ourselves that dominant culture has made out to be ‘too much’—a push to sanitize complexity and curb noncompliance… when these are the very parts of you that make you you. I think about the Mad Hatter telling Alice: "You're not the same as you were before. You were much more... muchier... you've lost your muchness.”
What if what you’re trying to solve in yourself or your process isn’t actually a problem?
What if the moments when you thought you fell short were because you were trying to fit into a framework that wasn’t right for you?
What matters enough to you that you are willing to fail at, as many times as necessary, and still show up with devotion?
I’d really love to hear what this brought up for you as a comment or as an email reply.
White combs and sweet honey,
Maggy
PS: back to Wiles’ desk—not only did he not use a computer, some of those papers are covered in his go-to problem solving technique: “scribbles and doodles…not important doodles, just subconscious doodles”.
In what’s been a difficult season personally, with unending anguish for humanity, this week has been filled with culmination and unexpected blessings. Just the other day, a cherished client sent this (excerpted for length)
I found Maggy by complete happenstance at the lowest point of my creative life. At the time, I was convinced writing wasn't for me, that I should just give up because it felt too hard, and the process hurt too much.
I have been quietly nurturing a stubborn flame of creative desire my entire life, and I was ready to snuff it out and walk away, but not without trying one last time. Writing this fills me with so much grief and sadness, but also deep gratitude, because I simply can't imagine ever doing that now. I have been completely changed. Words cannot begin to express how grateful I am that I did try, and that the universe gifted me Maggy to help me along the way.
Maggy's gentle encouragement, complete presence and wholehearted belief in my process has instilled in me the belief that writing is for me, that I deserve to live the creative life I have always wanted, and that it is possible. I have gone from being afraid and deeply resentful of writing (because it was hard, because it was vulnerable, because it was scary) to embracing it as a vocational call, and as something that is an important part of me. It's gone from being a burden to a gift. I never, ever thought that would happen.
When I tentatively reached out to Maggy I thought I wanted help in writing every day, building routines, and being able to show up to the page with consistency and diligence. What actually happened was a deepening of my creative practices that have had a ripple effect in all aspects of my life. I show up differently in the world now, I am more confident, and much kinder to myself. I have understood why showing up every day felt so difficult and why I was feeling so much resistance, and I’m now able to meet that and move through it. The word ‘diligence’ doesn’t appeal to me whatsoever. And I have been writing much more. But that has been the byproduct.
Working with Maggy for the past year and a half has been a slow practice of unfurling and allowing myself to take up the creative space I deserve. I cannot stress enough that I never even allowed myself to believe this was possible. If I could go back and speak to myself from before I met Maggy, I would give one-year-ago-me a big hug and thank her for taking the leap, and for giving myself another chance. It has been the best thing I have done for my life in general, not just my writing and creative practices.
If you're considering reaching out to Maggy, if you have a little voice in your heart asking you to believe in yourself, or to try one last time, I urge you to do so. You will be met with so much kindness and wisdom. Maggy genuinely wants to see you succeed and she believes fully in your creative vision. How rare that is, and what a gift! Just prepare for your life to fundamentally change in delightful and surprising ways.
If you are looking for creative coaching that is depth-oriented, gentle, and filled with warmth, please hit reply or tell me about yourself here. I’m offering pay-what-you-wish sessions until 9/22 and spots are limited.
I'm there for you if you have huge creative desires with equally big resistance and frustration, and if you're exhausted from trying to push through on your own. What if you didn't have to carry it all by yourself?
If you're curious about creative coaching, let’s talk about where you're at and what won’t stop stubbornly tugging at your heart. Click that button above and treat yourself to a pay-what-you-wish session before summer ends.
Made it this far? Take a look at my new homepage! There is a story behind this one that I’ll share another day.
absolutely exquisite