Winking at mystery
on not waiting to be crystal clear
This Gentle Musings was written while listening to Semi Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind on repeat <3
I've been thinking a lot about feeling clear lately in preparation for Cultivating Clarity, a workshop on a reflective practice called harvesting. I was going to share some of these thoughts during the workshop but realized that I want to be ‘clear’ on where I'm coming from before we start :)
As a kid, I was unintentionally non-compliant in ways that I didn’t even recognize. I still remember the expressions on teachers’ faces: perplexed by my left-field interpretation of assignments but impressed at my ability to wriggle any assignment I could into an art project (being ‘innovative’ saved my grades on many occasions).
Once I hit high school, I tried to accept that feeling like an outlier was required in order to feel true to myself. I always had close friends and didn’t question my belonging with them, the dissonance I felt was with the broader status quo. I wish I knew how much other people felt this, too.
This problem that I couldn’t wrap my head around didn’t exist in the art room. By my third year, I retreated to the art room for as many class periods as possible. I’m not sure how it happened, but I was given a key to use the rooms when they were empty. I spent hours making 3D collages, trying my hand at the potter’s wheel, and even having a role as a student assistant teacher. Sinéad O’Connor and The Cranberries played on repeat.
This time alone with my thoughts gave me the space to get clear. I knew that I couldn’t contort my ways of being without feeling like a part of myself was dying, so I honed in on clarity: having a plan, having an answer, having it ‘figured out’ felt absolutely necessary if I was to brave my own path. It was a variable that I could control to defend against feeling misunderstood.
I learned from school: doing things differently was legitimate only if I could do it exceptionally by conventional standards. Clarity became perfectionism in a different outfit. Just like perfectionism, the need for clarity before action became my clever, go-to safeguard from feeling shame and rejection.
It wasn't until I started working intimately with people on their creative practices—including the creative practice of becoming oneself more fully—that I saw how common it is to 1) feel at odds with how we are told things should go and should be 2) overemphasize the need for clarity before taking action.
Fixating on the need to get really, really clear can be a response to fear. Especially in a culture that is hostile to ambiguity and quick to categorize according to dominant standards, striving for clarity makes sense. Where lack of clarity can be seen as foolish, frivolous, naive, and even threatening, clarity is competence. It’s seriousness… it’s security.
Yes, being clear on your 'why' will support resilience when roadblocks feel unrelenting…
Yes, being clear on your boundaries can nurture closer connection and trust…
Yes, being clear on what you value and what you want to do with your energy is powerful to create momentum…
We know this! What doesn't get named enough: clarity isn’t everything. When we cling to it too tightly, it can keep us from the very discomfort necessary for change.
What I wish I knew sooner (what I wish we were taught): Clarity is just one phase of the process that comes and goes. Not-knowing is also part of the process. When we give the not-knowing phase some dignity to exist, the clarity that then arises often comes from a deeper place.
If you're not clear about a decision you need to make, see what it’s like to loosen the grip of knowing if even for two minutes. If you don’t have this or that figured out, it doesn't have to mean anything about you. If you're not clear about what you want or who you are, it might not be as big a problem as it seems.
I want to honor that lacking clarity can be draining, upsetting, and so frustrating. There’s brain fog, exhaustion, chronic pain... I think about the very real role of trauma. Sometimes lack of clarity comes down to not having practical knowledge about how to do something or make something happen. It can also be because of lack of cultural capital, an inequity that I wish I heard talked about more. Sometimes a fog of not-knowing comes from trying to do so much alone. This is so painful.
I want to honor that we are collectively living through harrowing uncertainty.
And: overemphasizing the value of clarity overlooks that vagueness is an important phase of nearly every process, and that it’s a phase that can be an extremely fertile and swirling place to be. Ambiguity is where we get to explore beyond a gridlock of unhelpful, conditioned presumptions. It’s often uncomfortable. It’s often a trust fall.
Can I be honest? I have no idea how to wrap this up… How fitting *shaking my head*. Swapping out clarity as an ideal state to reach, here I am at an open end: in wonder in trust in resilience, winking at mystery.
Love,
Maggy
Enjoyed this letter? Please share it with a friend who can relate <3
I’d love for you to join Cultivating Clarity, a two-part workshop coming up on October 15th.
In this workshop, we use the practice of *harvesting* to tend to an environment where clarity can arise in its own time.
This is not about forcing clarity or prioritizing ambiguity: it’s about slowing down to catch up with what you know
Every registration includes a free spot for a friend. Learn more and save your spot here!
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